Up Down All Around

Sometimes things are perfect, but - unfortunately you're mood does not follow what is going on in your life. 

Good things: 

- Opened a fantastic show with a group of visually impaired actors and it was amazing

- I have lots of energy to work

- I can sleep long because I start actually working late 

- working a lot = money to spend 

- lots of time to laze about or be social

Yet... I feel like crap... 

List of Good cartoons worth watching once in a while: 

- Simpsons 

- Futurama

- South Park

- Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show

- Family guy

Best to watch when your tired and you are multitasking.

Thought of the Day

If cat's sleep for 20 hours a day - are up for only 4 hours. Do they differentiate being awake or asleep? Do their dreams seem like their actual lives? 

I found an article as a follow up to see if cats actually do dream and - of course they do. 

"During sleep, our brain releases inhibiting substances to prevent us from acting out our dreams fully, although we may toss, turn and even talk in our sleep. The feline brain works similarly. In laboratory experiments where unfortunate feline subjects have had their brains tampered with so that those substances aren't released, the cats act out their dreams in full. Even laboratory-bred cats which have never hunted, or even seen prey, have been observed to 'catch birds', 'chase mice' and 'bat prey' in the course of their dreams."

Music and Sights

There was a beautiful sunset today - my camera of course can't do it justice but it was quite a sight

For todays post I'm going to try to compile some of my favorite songs and the beautiful inspiring lyrics in them. Though the songs are usually a bit sad they talk about hope and the beauty of life.

 "I'm never going to know you now, but I'm going to love you anyhow"

Waltz #2 - Elliot Smith

"Reaching out for a hand that we can't see 

Everybody's got a hold on hope 

It's the last thing that's holding me"

Hold on Hope - Guided by Voices

"Lets just sing and we'll fill the air with melodies that blend together 

You speak so sweet with words so delicate 

A glass i hope will never shatter"

If you Fall - Azure Ray

"Now I don’t know where I am I don’t know where I’ve been But I know where I want to go"

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes

"If there's no one beside you 

When your soul embarks 

Then I'll follow you into the dark" 

I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab For Cutie

"Lady lights a cigarette, puffs away, no regret
Takes a look around, no regrets, no regrets
Stretches out like branches of a poplar tree

She says, i'm free"

Lady - Regina Spektor

 

"Cause life has been insane but Today has been ok"

Today Has Been Ok - Emiliana Torrini

"And I've become just like a chemical stress 
Tracing the lines of my face for 
Something more beautiful than is there 
I've barely been gone 
and I'm not a failure 
I swear 
I wish you could see it from over there"

My Slumbering Heart - Rilo Kiley

And my favorite

"This is how it works 
You're young until you're not 
You love until you don't 
You try until you can't 
You laugh until you cry 
You cry until you laugh 
And everyone must breathe 
Until their dying breath"

On the Radio - Regina Spektor 

Let it Snow Let it Snow Let it Snow!

It was snowing gently when I was on my way to rehearsal tonight. When I left the rehearsal I was pleasantly surprised by the winters first snow that crunched pleasantly under my feet when I walked! 

I rushed home to take my dog out and let her enjoy the fresh snow. 

It looked like this:

The on leash experience and investigation of the white fluffy substance

Followed by some attempting to lick up some snowflakes 

Which was followed by 15 minutes of the wild piggy gallop

All in all it was a great outing

It has Toffees approval  

"Life is Perfect"

Let the good times roll. My last few weeks have been spent looking at beautiful art, reading, visiting galleries and occasionally working - in short "Life is Perfect!"

The recently cooling temperatures and frequent cold rain can't even dampen my mood to explore and enjoy the world. 

A typical day:

1. Wake up (usually no earlier then 11am)

2. Depending on the day stay in bed and look out my window to enjoy the world outside or read a little bit

3. Hop out of bed, shower, get ready, eat

4. Watch the news while checking world news online and checking emails

5. Catch up on work

6. Go on an adventure (sometimes just to the park with the dog)

7. Buy a new book

8. Either work or socialize

9. Curl up with book

10. Have a late night 4am smoke and enjoy the city being as silent as it gets in a day and then finally sleep

How much better can it get? Days are long and dragged out, theres always something to see and enjoy even in my own city which more and more I'm feeling like a tourist in because there is so much to visit. I find myself frequently saying or thinking "If I was told I would die tomorrow I would continue on with today exactly the same way." Guess living every day like it was my last really suits me.

With all the reading I have done I guess I will make a short graphic novel list which has been my favorite thing to read recently:

1. Blankets - Craig Thompson

2. Sandman Endless Nights - Neil Gaiman

3. Epileptic - David B.

4. Watchmen - Alan Moore 

5. Persepolis - Marjane Satrapi 

These are all amazing works and I recommend you wiki or google a few of them for the heck of it. Don't be mistaken - they are not just pretty little comic books. They are serious books for adults with heavy themes, intricate stories and beautiful art. 

_ _ _ _

Sometimes... I find myself really angry at the world. Really really angry. I want to be alone and away from everyone and everything.  I destroy stuff, clear out my computer instead of taking it out on others. The final step is clearing out my room (which I did today). After 6 hrs of cleaning and filling 2 garbage bags of junk plus another huge pile of stuff to recycle... I cooled down and returned to my normal rhythm and state of lowness.

  

I thought I would post a list someone else made for me. 

Things I should remember when I am down:

• Friends
  
• Job
  
• Family
  
• Being back in school
  
• Love of others
  
• Being grounded and living in the present
  
• Positive choices
  
• Achievements
  

It's sitting on my iPod so I can look back at it at times like these. Everyone should carry around a list like this. On a little card or something to remind us why the hell we are here and something to remind us where we are going. 

On a side note - I found another note that made me laugh

"Do not feed the rubber ducks"

I can't remember when I wrote it down but I have the perfect image to go with it.

Why? Because they will grow super huge!

And some dark ducky humor:

Your last bath -

Some laughter

Sometimes laughter is the cure for all things bad... I seem to be getting this gift of laughter from many people recently in odd forms. This one is courtesy of Gavin. 

 

The following story and image go together:

The Neon-Tufted Green-Winged Blackbird (greenish-glowius phoeniceus) is a rare species of blackbird believed to nest primarily in Chernobyl, Ukraine region. It is believed that this species evolved from the common housefly due to elevated radiation levels and an abundance of greenish glowing crap in the environment. Sightings these days are extremely rare. In this undated photo, you will notice the tell-tale tuft accented by tiny green dreadlock-like feathers. The freakishly long tail feathers and brightly glowing wings give this quirky bird an erractic flight pattern which prohibits them from landing gracefully. This becomes painfully evident as demonstrated by the badly disfigured leg on this klutzy bird. 

It is also believed that this species is the first member of the avian family to actually perch with crossed-legs. If you examine the photo closely, you'll notice this odd behavior with its left leg perched to the right, and the right, crooked leg perched to the left. It is not clear why the bird chooses to do this, but theory is that since it is not the most graceful in flight, it often crosses it's legs to avoid a smack in the... you know...tweet tweets. 

The NTGWB enjoys perching on limbs of old trees... (which are covered in mildew, apparently). It will often sun itself in the rays of really cool, happy sunshine po days with the occasional Mickey Mouse or styrofoam peanut cloud. Oddly enough, the NTGWB's primary food source is peanuts dropped from peanut cargo planes with rusty cargo holds. It's large malformed beak, which would be the envy of any ornith-dontist, is perfectly suited for snatching, de-shelling, and devouring earth bound peanuts. The rarity of this bird is largely due to lack of any consistent food supply. 

Few photos exist of this bird in it's natural habitat. Bird geeks(aka enthusiasts) will often resort to extreme measures to capture this creature on film. In the background, you will notice a very thin man with a propeller implanted in his head -- heading skwyard to snap a photo with his black rectangle camera with offset lens. Because the technology is new, more work is needed to improve the power output of these heli-people devices to avoid the extreme dieting necessary to experience weightlessness. 

The Neon-Tufted Green-Winged Blackbird is truly a sight to behold. If you are fortunate enough to get close, do not look this bird straight in the eye. It is rumored that its freaky-ass eyes have a hypnotic effect and can actually cause you to draw very strange pictures in Microsoft Paint and write stories about them.

 This bird is protected by the National Wildlife Foundation and the Nuclear Energy Commission. 

It is illegal and downright dangerous to keep any animal that cause you to become sterile 

and grow extra appendages. 

Sometimes some creativity and a sense of humor is all you need in life... 

Break.

Due to lack of things to say and lack of clarity of thought. 

Sometimes you just have to laugh it off

Talking to a friend: 

Feels like a similar thing happened... Just a little compassion please. 

Since I'm on the subject of tasteless comics heres a few more in no particular order: 

                                           1.

                                           2.

                                           3.

4.                                                                                  

                                         5.

                                       6.

When nothing comes to mind

Somedays a list is actually not so easy to put together. We all have our off days right (or weeks in my case).  So this time I will just post a blog of random things - a vent.

1. I'm so tired it feel like I'm looking at everything through a piece of fabric (everything is fuzzy)

2. I saw my ex boyfriend on my way home

 - brought back old memories and feelings 

3. I may be really depressed but what's even more depressing, so are the people around me that I care about

4. The only hope I can find right now is the word thats tattooed on me

5. I can't communicate how I feel or what's going on in a way that helps

6. Fighting accomplishes nothing, it's never a solution. (cheesy)

7. Cheesy makes me think of food and I have not felt the need to eat in days 

8. I hate me. 

And I promised myself I would post up 3 positives so here they are:

1. I love my supportive friends (I can't thank them enough for putting up with me no matter how ungrateful I seem).

2. The show opens Thursday and I will finally be able to breathe 

3. I came up with 2 other positive things

My tattoo the first day I got it: 

Image "List"

Todays Feelings:

A hug would be nice

It's looking rainy outside

Cancer Hamster is going to need a hamster sized coffin soon

I'm unraveling inside

I really can't...

I wish I was this bunny. 

A list of why

Sometimes you can try to explain something 101 ways but in the end it still will not register. People ask but do not listen (especially when it means a lot). Why explain...

-Why Explain

-Why Desire 

-Why seek Approval

-Why Search for understanding

-Why Love 

-Why Bother

-Why Try

-Why Breath

-Why Live

-Why EXIST.

WHY?

Coke - We all know its bad but...

(Quoted from a site)

Have you ever wondered why Coke comes with a smile? It’s because it gets you high. They took the cocaine out almost a hundred years ago. You know why? It was redundant.

• In The First 10 minutes: 10 teaspoons of sugar hit your system. (100% of your recommended daily intake.) You don’t immediately vomit from the overwhelming sweetness because phosphoric acid cuts the flavor allowing you to keep it down.
• 20 minutes: Your blood sugar spikes, causing an insulin burst. Your liver responds to this by turning any sugar it can get its hands on into fat. (There’s plenty of that at this particular moment)
• 40 minutes: Caffeine absorption is complete. Your pupils dilate, your blood pressure rises, as a response your livers dumps more sugar into your bloodstream. The adenosine receptors in your brain are now blocked preventing drowsiness.
• 45 minutes: Your body ups your dopamine production stimulating the pleasure centers of your brain. This is physically the same way heroin works, by the way.
• >60 minutes: The phosphoric acid binds calcium, magnesium and zinc in your lower intestine, providing a further boost in metabolism. This is compounded by high doses of sugar and artificial sweeteners also increasing the urinary excretion of calcium.
• >60 Minutes: The caffeine’s diuretic properties come into play. (It makes you have to pee.) It is now assured that you’ll evacuate the bonded calcium, magnesium and zinc that was headed to your bones as well as sodium, electrolyte and water.
• >60 minutes: As the rave inside of you dies down you’ll start to have a sugar crash. You may become irritable and/or sluggish. You’ve also now, literally, pissed away all the water that was in the Coke. But not before infusing it with valuable nutrients your body could have used for things like even having the ability to hydrate your system or build strong bones and teeth.

This will all be followed by a caffeine crash in the next few hours. (As little as two if you’re a smoker.) But, hey, have another Coke, it’ll make you feel better.

*FYI: Coke itself is not the enemy, here. It’s the dynamic combo of massive sugar doses combined with caffeine and phosphoric acid. Things which are found in almost all soda.

Nothing.

A list of nothing.

1. Nothing
2. NOthing
3. NOThing
4. NOTHing
5. NOTHIng
6. NOTHINg
7. NOTHING

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing

Nothing

Nothing 

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing

Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing

It looses meaning after a while, and becomes... nothing.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Random

The Good:

1. Friends that make me laugh
2. Love
3. Work - Might not pay much these days but I love it no matter what

The Bad:

1. Depression
2. Being very tired 
3. Being overwhelmed
4. Lack of clarity of thoughts
5. The desire of being alone - which is right now impossible. 

The Ugly

1. Having mixed feelings about someone - to be in a relationship or not?
2. Lots of unvented emotions
3. Anger
4. The lack of sun outside today

Famous List

I have yet to find a list that is famous. It's a lot harder then it seems or maybe I'm just over-thinking it. 

Definition of a list: 

a series of names or other items written or printed together in a meaningful grouping or sequence so as to constitute a record: a list of members. I asked a friend to help me think of a famous list and the answer I got was: "I wonder if any famous people made lists... like President Lincoln... 1.Get tickets for the theatre... 2. Wash tall hat 3. Trim beard" 4. Photoshoot for Penny gig" That is my favorite made up list yet!

Growing Up - Everything will be ok

Random thoughts about knowing your growing up:

1. Change is welcome
2. You know that sometimes parting with things is for the better no matter how hard it seems even if it means crying a bit to move on
3. You start looking at a different type of underwear to wear (Just Kidding! I'm not at that age quite yet)
   
4. Working all the time seems to be the norm suddenly
   
5. Your priorities may still be the same but they suddenly are expanded into mini points and are well developed 
   
6. A place of your own is a MUST and not just a WANT
   
7. There no longer is time to just randomly hang out at the mall while not buying stuff
   
8. There is actually money to buy stuff at the mall with! (umm well lets not glorify that - sometimes there is money)
   
9. There is a huge desire for things to have lots of meaning
10. Being nervous about something is a positive thing and is actually something that can be used to your advantage

SJ

Temporary break

More to come in the next weeks. 

The Truth About Birthdays

The Truth about birthdays:

1. They are never as fantastic as portrayed, you never spend them amazingly happy - instead its a day spent reflecting.
2. Most of the day is spent being fake happy just because well "it's your birthday"
3. No matter how much you plan your birthday things never happen the way you want them to,  so it's just easier not to plan it at all and do everything spontaneously (realistic expectations)
4. Your own birthday cake is never really as delicious as other peoples
5. Trying to skip your birthday and not telling people never really works out

In the end though - Birthdays always turn out to be somewhat ok just because it's your "special" day.

So - Happy Birthday to Me! 

A note on this years birthday: I spent it will my closest friends, in the best way possible. It was unplanned, it just happened, and my birthday celebrations went on for a few days. It was the best birthday yet even though it was really nothing extravagant or over the top. A great start to a year of my life I have been dreading.  

Hopes, Dreams & Cherry Stems

Ever since I lost that list I have been thinking about some stuff I want to accomplish in the next years.

Things I want to accomplish - 5 year goals:

[] Get my own place - soon hopefully

[x] Do work I am passionate about and proud of

[x] Learn at least 3 new things a day (so far so good)

[] Travel to at least 5 other countries, and see some of Canada ( I live here how is it possible I have seen so little of it!?)

[] Learn to remain in touch with my emotional needs and physical as well - 4 hours of sleep a night and 1 meal a day does not cut it!

[] Skydive

[] Read as many of the well known Classic books as possible

[] Remain open minded about things

[] Write a play - just a single play, not sure what about but something

[] Finish the documentary film - that seems to be a lifelong project right now

[x] Tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue - I have a tongue ring too which makes it a bit harder to do then without one.

[] Make a difference in someone's life

[] Live and love

A simple and very cliche but sometimes one can not ask for more