Cha cha cha changes.

It has been a long year. A messy year but finally 2009 is done.

The highlights of the year?

- I won an award

- I travelled

- I have a full time "adult" job

- I have found stability in a few aspects of my life

- I have learned more about myself then at any other point

Lowpoints?

Too many to list but for this year the highlights outdo almost every single low moment.

The resolutions?

- Make 2010 even better

- Take better care of my mind, body and soul.

- Get in touch with my creativity again because it has been slipping away from me recently.

First post in a while and not a list.

Dear Friend,

I am always there for you. I always listen to you, go out with you, buy you dinner (you wont say you have no food, but I know you don't), buy you drinks drinks, take you to movies, go for walks, offer you smokes and am someone to be with when you need. Anything you ask, i do. But sometimes - though I will never admit it, I need you to do that for me too.

Maybe you can not talk only about yourself when I need you (on my obviously bad days) , not answer your phone when I'm pouring my heart out to you and not leave me for someone better each time. Is it a lot to ask for compassion and not you looking at me like I'm fucking insane and making a comment you can't possible not know hurts me. They usually drip with sarcasm - I'm kind and patient, but not stupid.

When I ask you a favor (which is very rarely) can you just say not now, instead of saying you will do it right away me and then me having to deal with the embarrassment of having to ask you for the 100th time for something that you promised you would do months ago.

Each time you go out separate ways , you have said that I leave you feeling better. Why can't you do the same for me instead of leaving me doubting our friendship.

Dear friend, you are becoming the reason I stopped sharing with others.

I have changed but have you?

Postsecrets

I decided to pick some of the postsecrets i relate to the most

Working Life - My hand is my notebook

I'm working like 10hrs + a day so I don't really have the brain power to put up a really good list.

Ive been thinking about doing this for a while though. I'm going to write out a list of all the crazy notes that get written on my hand through out the next few weeks

Notes on my hand

Saturday June 20th - Written in red pen :

20

Home Hardware

Exits - Battery Powered

Branches

Scoop Lamps

Running carpet

Party Hats

Saturday July 4th - Black pen

Salad

16th Riv 6pm

Sunday July 5th - Blue Pen

"Someone must be looking out for you dear"

4:30 boat Tuesday

Fringe show

Laundry 4 show

Says what my life is all about right now.

Mondays

Mondays suck - even if they are my current off day.

To lighten my monday up I have been looking at my favorite inappropriate comic.

I have picked my favorite ones (in no specific order):

Thinking...

Things I am thinking about today:

- Nature and how beautiful it is outside today

- Charities, organizations I believe in:

www.love147.org

www.twloha.com

www.skate4cancer.com

Everyday people making an impact on the world. Some of them starting out young and with an idea.

It has nothing to do with having money, sometimes its raising awareness and if money is needed then making sure the people that have money know how they can help.

We all should take part in making the world a better place.

-Thinking about the AMY Project.

We did the very last performance of the show at Luminato. It was a very hard year, many fights, many mean things said yet all of these amazing young women decided to go out for dinner after the last show (even though there was a fight right before it that almost cancelled the last show "I feel like if I go on stage I'm going to kick someone's teeth out"). Anyway, they went out for dinner, made up and plan to go out again -The show by the way brought people to tears. These ladies love each other, post beautiful notes about each other on facebook and this experience has brought them together which is funny because they make a very unlikely group of friends. The upcoming year will be year 5 - amazing! Five years of young women and professional theatre artists coming together, mentoring each other, learning, growing and putting a darn good piece of theatre together collaboratively.

- Still blue, still sick, still sore from the tetanus shot, still not enjoying life but hopeful; why?

There are good people out there doing really good things and even if there is a lot of horrible stuff going on in the world, we can not give up because we are not alone when we fight.

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” - Albert Einstein

Birthday Blues

In honor of my blues I'm going to write this in shades of blue.

Birthdays are never easy. I remind myself of this every year and acknowledge that it is a time to reflect. This year it is hitting me harder then usual probably because I feel like I have not achieved much and by my age I should be diving into life head first.

I'm going to make a list of what I have learned this year, what I have done and try to create a summery for myself.

• I travelled - Poland, Germany, Switzerland, France (on my own).
  
• I taught myself how to sew - I'm actually good at this.
  
• Caught up on a lot of reading - including buying hundreds of dollars of new amazing books
  
• Started a collection of beautiful vinyl toys
  
• Worked with a bunch of visually impaired actors
• Met a ton of amazing inspiring people
• Got many jobs that I did not expect to get
• Gained friends or re enforced existing friendships
• Assisted someone with Lighting design for the first time
• Got my name on a couple show posters
• Bought my very first expensive piece of art
• Saved a life (I don't believe it but a friend has told me I have done it)
• Grown a little bit in hight
• Started relationships (and ended them)
• Tried to get help - and gotten it even if not successfully
• Experienced new parts of Toronto
• Gotten another tattoo

And most importantly... I Survived a whole year. That on it's own is good enough to go out and celebrate.

Afternoon laugh.

Post show blues?

Can't decide if this is post show blues or if its the cold I'm getting or if its my birthday coming up or if its the very unsatisfying job I have coming up... Eitherway I'm not feeling the best. To counter the crappy feelings I made breakfast for dinner.

Consisting of:
1. Egg
2. Whole Wheat English Muffins
3. Vegetarian Bacon
4. Home cut fries
5. Tomato

'

It made me feel better for a bit... Until I got nauseous. Yay life.

Everything breaks...

Everything in my life is broken right now... perfect timing for it to happen with my 21st coming up...

-my laptop... its a $1500 paperweight. It decided to crash to the extreme. I lost all my work, photos, website crap for the website i edit, music, jailbroken iphone/touch applications, photoshop, finalcut pro etc... well the stuff is still here just it can not be moved to an external drive etc because apparently 90% of the files are corrupted. 3+ years of stuff gone in seconds. All that works on it right now is firefox and im 100% sure that will go soon too.

-my friends... whoever they are these days. Very few people are stable in my life right now and around to listen (then again I'm not sure i really want anyone to listen anymore these days)

-a person I love is broken and old and probably going to pass away soon.

-my heart... for many reasons recently. seems like every time I trust it gets stomped on some more. every time i desire - the emotions are disregard.

-home... home feel like a sad broken place and I can't tell if I hate it more then usual because I'm sad or if its actually worse then usual... probably both

-amy project show feels like its falling apart instead of being built. Usually I dont mind knowing its part of the creative process and such.. but for whatever reason right now it has me really down because it feels broken... usually its a good place to be but right now I dont even want to be there really...

-me ... my body, my mind... everything about me feels broken

I guess the thing thats the most broken is my spirit. Today I don't even feel hope... I do not believe.

Mothers Day

Old but great:

My Mother Taught Me About...

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...

"Just wait until your father gets home."


2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"

4. My Mother taught me LOGIC...

"If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

7. My Mother taught me HUMOR...

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS...

"You're just like your father."

10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And last but not least...

12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE...

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"

Things that have entered my tummy today

A day in stomach of SJ

1. A few handfuls of popcorn and some pepsi (yuck) at a midnight screening of "the yes men fix the world" @ HotDocs
2. 2 Slices of mushroom and cheese pizza (thin crust variety)
3. 4 small spoons of cookies and cream icecream
4. 1L of Apple Juice
5. Two Tylenol Flu to help with the withdrawal caused brain zaps
6. More juice
7.


All in all a very unhealthy day.

...

I'm so blue that its 3pm and I finally just got out of bed... It's the crippling kind of depressed where nothing can make it better, and for sure no one... It's taken me like 20 minutes just to write this little. Time to get ready to go work. That's all there is these days: Work, Sleep. Mostly sleep though. Makes the days pass faster. 1 Month and 2 days till my 21st.

"with all the luck you've had why are your songs so sad"

Some days you realize you have been given everything good in life- may that be opportunities, friends, money, work, family etc... Yet no matter how hard you try you can't seem to be satisfied with it. It never fills a gap inside you. Sometime we realize we are insignificant, hollow and empty. Today I am admiting to those flaws.

Flaws:

Unthankful
Lacking emotion
Lacking passion
Negative
Hopeless
And a lousy person all around.

Top things we were supposed to die of but have not killed us yet

1. Y2K
2. Avian flu
3. SARS
4. Killer bees
5. Giant comets that were going to hit the planet and blow us all up
6. Debatable : terrorism

To name a few. Newest one is this Swine Flu.

Reasons to live

Not my list but interesting:

"For most of us, dying would be infinitely easier than living-- for life is hard!

#10: Random chance

#9: Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem
Basically a brilliant scientist named Kurt Gödel once proved that nobody can ever know everything. No matter if God-like powers are brought to bear by future humanity or the most advanced aliens you can imagine, even they will never learn it all.
So why's this a reason to live?
Because it means anyone deciding anything-- including to die-- cannot and never will have all the facts available to them. Perhaps not even all those specific facts relevant to their choice of the time. Ditto on deciding to live as well-- but you get the point.

#8: Revenge
#7: Curiosity
#6: The ultimate relief and satisfaction available to our own ending
#5: Adventure
#4: Changing one itsy-bitsy piece of the world for the better
#3: Serendipity
#2: Transcendence
#1: Love "

For sure not my reasons to plow through day after day but worth a mention.

Favorite Parts of Toronto

I love the city I live in and here are some of my favorite Parts of it.

1. The Annex - The area I call home.



Wiki Says:
The Annex is one of Toronto's oldest neighbourhoods and its first streetcar suburb, characterized by its distinctive tall narrow houses, and lively community along Bloor Street. Considered a food and shopping mecca, this district is well known by Torontonians as one of the friendliest neighborhoods in the city. Due to the proximity of the neighbourhood to the University of Toronto and, as a result, its large population of students and faculty, the commercial strip along Bloor Street has quite the feel of a college neighbourhood (albeit an affluent one).



2. The Beaches


Wiki Says:
The commercial district of Queen Street East lie at the heart of The Beaches community. It is characterized by a large number of independent speciality stores. The side streets are mostly lined with semis and large-scale Victorian, Edwardian and new-style houses. There are also low-rise apartment buildings and a few row-houses. There are several parks just a few steps south

3. Parkdale



Wiki Says:
It was founded as a village in 1879, joining Toronto in 1889. It was an upper income residential area for the first half of the 20th Century, with several notable mansions. The area changed dramatically with the building of the Gardiner Expressway, demolishing the southern section of the neighbourhood and the creation of a barrier between the neighbourhood and the lakeshore. This led to both an outflux of prosperous residents west, and a decline in the economy. Most of the residential buildings remain, but the composition of the residents is much different, including a higher proportion of lower incomes. Today, it is a working class neighbourhood, having problems associated with poverty, but is also an area of considerable artistic activity.

Also Home to the Gladstone and the Drake.

4. The Path

PATH facts:

According to Guinness World Records, PATH is the largest underground shopping complex with 27 km (16 miles) of shopping arcades. It has 371,600 sq. metres (4 million sq. ft) of retail space. In fact, the retail space connected to PATH rivals the West Edmonton Mall in size.

The approximate 1,200 shops and services, such as photocopy shops and shoe repairs, found in PATH, employ about 5,000 people. Once a year, businesses in PATH host the world's largest underground sidewalk sale.

More than 50 buildings/office towers are connected through PATH. Twenty parking garages, five subway stations, two major department stores, six major hotels, and a railway terminal are also accessible through PATH. It also provides links to some of Toronto's major tourist and entertainment attractions such as: the Hockey Hall of Fame, Roy Thomson Hall, Air Canada Centre, Rogers Centre, and the CN Tower. City Hall and Metro Hall are also connected through PATH.

5. Queen (Doesnt Matter which way you go it's the best!)


Wiki Says:

The western end of Queen (sometimes simply referred to as "Queen West") is now best known as a centre for Canadian broadcasting, music, performance, fashion, and the visual arts. Over the past twenty-five years, Queen West has become an international arts centre, and a major tourist attraction in Toronto.

Queen Street East is a major thoroughfare in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, running through neighbourhoods such as Corktown, Moss Park, Leslieville and The Beaches. It extends from Yonge Street in the west (where it becomes Queen Street West) to Fallingbrook Road (just east of Victoria Park Avenue) in the east. Queen Street was the cartographical baseline for the original east-west avenues of Toronto's grid pattern of major streets.

6. High Park







Wiki Says:
High Park is the largest park in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. It spans 161 hectares (398 acres, 1.61 km²). It is a mixed recreational and natural park, with sporting facilities, cultural facilities, educational facilities, gardens, playgrounds and a zoo. One third of the park remains in a natural state, with rare a oak savannah ecology.

7. Kensington Market
No photos will ever catch the true spirit of this area.





Wiki Says:

Kensington Market is a distinctive multicultural neighbourhood in downtown Toronto, Ontario. The Market is one of the city's oldest and most famous neighbourhoods, and in November 2006, it became a National Historic Site. Its approximate borders are College St. on the North, Spadina Ave. on the East, Dundas St. W. to the South, and Bellevue Ave. to the West. Most of the neighbourhood's eclectic shops, cafes, and other attractions are located along Augusta Ave. and neighbouring Nassau St. and Kensington Ave. The market is best travelled on foot or bicycle, as the narrow one-way streets and numerous dead-ends are difficult to navigate by car.


Bonus:

Favorite Intersection in Toronto - Queen and Spadina

I never did write a list of things I want to to accomplish

25 things (or less) That I want to try before I die


1. Skydiving
2. Gamble and Win
3. Have a great art collection
4. Remain without having ever broken a major bone
5. Move out (one day... one day...)
6. Create something I am very proud of
7. Travel to India, Thailand, Australia
8. Plant a Tree
9. Help build a house
10. Save a life
11. See a meteor shower
12. Go to New York
13. Write a book (at least attempt to)
14. Get Lost - harder to do then you think
15. Learn to dance
16. Ride a Motercycle
17. See a broadway show
18. Fall in love
19.
20.
21.
22.
23.
24.
25.

The rest will have to wait because I'm not much of an ambitious looking forward to the future person

5 things I never leave my house without

1. My ipod touch
2. A lighter and smokes
3. Eyeliner
4. Id + Bank Card
5. Some loose change

I don't use a cellphone and it has made my life so much simpler.

A burst of creativity

Top things I have recently made 100% by hand that I love:

5.

4.


3.

2.

1.

Please note all but number 1 have been given away to friends (or a friends dog in the case of the red dog toy)


And a by popular demand the favorite of others:

Finished MiniProjects

First I made my own stuffed bunny. See below post .

Today I made banana bread from scratch for the first time. It tastes really good.

Top Guilty Pleasures

1. Lego! I love the stuff to death and have boxes and boxes of it! A few years ago I pulled all of it out and built every single set. It was about 150+ sets of lego.


2. 80's music - Ashamed to admit my secret addiction to it but I can't go through a day without my dose. It's an ironic one considering I was only alive for like 2 years in the 80's.


3. Musicals - 99% of the kick ass


4. Lame T.v. Shows - Greys Anatomy, Ugly Betty etc etc. I have time shifting so incase I miss them I can always watch them late at night. The ultimate guilty t.v. pleasure has to be my super sweet 16. Nothing better then watching spoiled rich kids throw tantrums. It's a double whammy too because its on MTV which basically stands for trash tv in my mind.



5. As a vegetarian I probably should not enjoy eating things that resemble meat but darn I really enjoy some of the veggie "meat" products. Tofuturkey anyone?


and last but not least my top guilty pleasure

Spending time with my friends or on my computer when I actually should be working on stuff. Oooops!

Today I made a bunny

Today I made a bunny - I sowed him by hand.

Gun Shaped Items

One of my personal favorite blog entries taken of my artsy blog. 

1. A gun shaped blow dryer? Something seems really wrong about this especially since well... you point a blowdryer or should I say gundryer at your head.



3. This is another absurd item I found. Kids get suspended for pointing "gun" shaped chicken fingers (or was it a nugget) and going bang. Can you imagine the uproar with this ruler? Plus what does a gun have to do with measuring? ... Well aside from being a super cool design that has grown on me and I want now.. 



3. And of course the last item... Nothing matches up to this one:



This unfortunate toy gun has a whistle on the end of the barrel. 

It's a toy where the basketball spins and opens up when you pull the trigger. As it spins it plays music. Oh yeah, it's got a whistle that you play by sticking the barrel of this gun-shaped toy in your mouth!

Few more randoms for fun:

Let there be fur?

I was watching TV and my dog came to snuggle up on me. With this came a snowfall of fur. 

This marks the a very joyous occasion. The moment Holiday partying starts my dog seems to go into full shed. This usually means she looses the weight equivalent of a cat in fur. It seems to be her special touch to the season especially when it's popular to be wearing black.

 I imagine she is thinking"Hey look now you look GREAT, i have added my special touch and everyone will know you have a dog at home. Now they will know that leftovers must be taken home to feed the starving animal". 

"Starving dog! Leftovers Please?"

When your mood really fucking sucks

What to do when your mood really fucking sucks:

1. Sleep 
   
2. Watch Tv for hours
   
3. Sleep
   
4. Skip work and lie about why you didnt go in
5. Sleep
6. Sit on the computer and look at the screen
7. Not eat
8. Read
9. Sit some more
10. Refuse to think because that wont help at all 
11. Be AntiSocial

And when thats not enough - sleep some more. 

I want to sleep forever

Oh December...

Don't get me wrong I love the holidays but sometimes ... Xmas can be a huge pain in the ass. 

Some top christmas peeves:

1. Fruit Cake - The fucking gift that never stops giving. It never rots and its a disgusting brick of the worlds most unappetizing cake with little jelly things that usually look like an elf that ate too much christmas spirit upchucked on it

2. Inflatable Snowmen - Those creepy things... Not only do they scare my dog at night they are ugly and tacky... MAKE A REAL SNOWMAN. No one wants to walk by your house and see a huge creepy thing larger then your house on your front lawn.

3. Overdecorated Houses - Guess what-  You can over decorate your house people! 1 billion christmas lights is not beautiful, it's painful to look at. The worse is those freaks that think its cool to set their lights up to music and then people drive by, tune into a special radio station and watch and listen to the show. Take your gingerbread houses somewhere else where I don't have to see them. 

Theres a whole site devoted to people with their terrible light hanging taste: 

http://www.uglychristmaslights.com/

4. Christmas Music - It's great if it was to start a week before or heck even two but it seems like its a year long phenomenon now. Once Halloween is done its time to bust out the music. This includes of course the terrible pop artist remakes of classics, techno christmas music and a whole spectrum of music that is enough to make your ears bleed. 

5. Ugly Christmas Trees - They are everywhere! I don't want to see a cheep fake tree thats taped together, the branches are all bald and there are like 3 or 4 little decorations on the tree and like red bows. It's not that hard to come up with a creative pretty tree on a low budget even. 

More to come...

Up Down All Around

Sometimes things are perfect, but - unfortunately you're mood does not follow what is going on in your life. 

Good things: 

- Opened a fantastic show with a group of visually impaired actors and it was amazing

- I have lots of energy to work

- I can sleep long because I start actually working late 

- working a lot = money to spend 

- lots of time to laze about or be social

Yet... I feel like crap... 

List of Good cartoons worth watching once in a while: 

- Simpsons 

- Futurama

- South Park

- Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show

- Family guy

Best to watch when your tired and you are multitasking.

Thought of the Day

If cat's sleep for 20 hours a day - are up for only 4 hours. Do they differentiate being awake or asleep? Do their dreams seem like their actual lives? 

I found an article as a follow up to see if cats actually do dream and - of course they do. 

"During sleep, our brain releases inhibiting substances to prevent us from acting out our dreams fully, although we may toss, turn and even talk in our sleep. The feline brain works similarly. In laboratory experiments where unfortunate feline subjects have had their brains tampered with so that those substances aren't released, the cats act out their dreams in full. Even laboratory-bred cats which have never hunted, or even seen prey, have been observed to 'catch birds', 'chase mice' and 'bat prey' in the course of their dreams."

Music and Sights

There was a beautiful sunset today - my camera of course can't do it justice but it was quite a sight

For todays post I'm going to try to compile some of my favorite songs and the beautiful inspiring lyrics in them. Though the songs are usually a bit sad they talk about hope and the beauty of life.

 "I'm never going to know you now, but I'm going to love you anyhow"

Waltz #2 - Elliot Smith

"Reaching out for a hand that we can't see 

Everybody's got a hold on hope 

It's the last thing that's holding me"

Hold on Hope - Guided by Voices

"Lets just sing and we'll fill the air with melodies that blend together 

You speak so sweet with words so delicate 

A glass i hope will never shatter"

If you Fall - Azure Ray

"Now I don’t know where I am I don’t know where I’ve been But I know where I want to go"

First Day Of My Life - Bright Eyes

"If there's no one beside you 

When your soul embarks 

Then I'll follow you into the dark" 

I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab For Cutie

"Lady lights a cigarette, puffs away, no regret
Takes a look around, no regrets, no regrets
Stretches out like branches of a poplar tree

She says, i'm free"

Lady - Regina Spektor

 

"Cause life has been insane but Today has been ok"

Today Has Been Ok - Emiliana Torrini

"And I've become just like a chemical stress 
Tracing the lines of my face for 
Something more beautiful than is there 
I've barely been gone 
and I'm not a failure 
I swear 
I wish you could see it from over there"

My Slumbering Heart - Rilo Kiley

And my favorite

"This is how it works 
You're young until you're not 
You love until you don't 
You try until you can't 
You laugh until you cry 
You cry until you laugh 
And everyone must breathe 
Until their dying breath"

On the Radio - Regina Spektor 

Let it Snow Let it Snow Let it Snow!

It was snowing gently when I was on my way to rehearsal tonight. When I left the rehearsal I was pleasantly surprised by the winters first snow that crunched pleasantly under my feet when I walked! 

I rushed home to take my dog out and let her enjoy the fresh snow. 

It looked like this:

The on leash experience and investigation of the white fluffy substance

Followed by some attempting to lick up some snowflakes 

Which was followed by 15 minutes of the wild piggy gallop

All in all it was a great outing

It has Toffees approval  

"Life is Perfect"

Let the good times roll. My last few weeks have been spent looking at beautiful art, reading, visiting galleries and occasionally working - in short "Life is Perfect!"

The recently cooling temperatures and frequent cold rain can't even dampen my mood to explore and enjoy the world. 

A typical day:

1. Wake up (usually no earlier then 11am)

2. Depending on the day stay in bed and look out my window to enjoy the world outside or read a little bit

3. Hop out of bed, shower, get ready, eat

4. Watch the news while checking world news online and checking emails

5. Catch up on work

6. Go on an adventure (sometimes just to the park with the dog)

7. Buy a new book

8. Either work or socialize

9. Curl up with book

10. Have a late night 4am smoke and enjoy the city being as silent as it gets in a day and then finally sleep

How much better can it get? Days are long and dragged out, theres always something to see and enjoy even in my own city which more and more I'm feeling like a tourist in because there is so much to visit. I find myself frequently saying or thinking "If I was told I would die tomorrow I would continue on with today exactly the same way." Guess living every day like it was my last really suits me.

With all the reading I have done I guess I will make a short graphic novel list which has been my favorite thing to read recently:

1. Blankets - Craig Thompson

2. Sandman Endless Nights - Neil Gaiman

3. Epileptic - David B.

4. Watchmen - Alan Moore 

5. Persepolis - Marjane Satrapi 

These are all amazing works and I recommend you wiki or google a few of them for the heck of it. Don't be mistaken - they are not just pretty little comic books. They are serious books for adults with heavy themes, intricate stories and beautiful art. 

_ _ _ _

Sometimes... I find myself really angry at the world. Really really angry. I want to be alone and away from everyone and everything.  I destroy stuff, clear out my computer instead of taking it out on others. The final step is clearing out my room (which I did today). After 6 hrs of cleaning and filling 2 garbage bags of junk plus another huge pile of stuff to recycle... I cooled down and returned to my normal rhythm and state of lowness.

  

I thought I would post a list someone else made for me. 

Things I should remember when I am down:

• Friends
  
• Job
  
• Family
  
• Being back in school
  
• Love of others
  
• Being grounded and living in the present
  
• Positive choices
  
• Achievements
  

It's sitting on my iPod so I can look back at it at times like these. Everyone should carry around a list like this. On a little card or something to remind us why the hell we are here and something to remind us where we are going. 

On a side note - I found another note that made me laugh

"Do not feed the rubber ducks"

I can't remember when I wrote it down but I have the perfect image to go with it.

Why? Because they will grow super huge!

And some dark ducky humor:

Your last bath -

Some laughter

Sometimes laughter is the cure for all things bad... I seem to be getting this gift of laughter from many people recently in odd forms. This one is courtesy of Gavin. 

 

The following story and image go together:

The Neon-Tufted Green-Winged Blackbird (greenish-glowius phoeniceus) is a rare species of blackbird believed to nest primarily in Chernobyl, Ukraine region. It is believed that this species evolved from the common housefly due to elevated radiation levels and an abundance of greenish glowing crap in the environment. Sightings these days are extremely rare. In this undated photo, you will notice the tell-tale tuft accented by tiny green dreadlock-like feathers. The freakishly long tail feathers and brightly glowing wings give this quirky bird an erractic flight pattern which prohibits them from landing gracefully. This becomes painfully evident as demonstrated by the badly disfigured leg on this klutzy bird. 

It is also believed that this species is the first member of the avian family to actually perch with crossed-legs. If you examine the photo closely, you'll notice this odd behavior with its left leg perched to the right, and the right, crooked leg perched to the left. It is not clear why the bird chooses to do this, but theory is that since it is not the most graceful in flight, it often crosses it's legs to avoid a smack in the... you know...tweet tweets. 

The NTGWB enjoys perching on limbs of old trees... (which are covered in mildew, apparently). It will often sun itself in the rays of really cool, happy sunshine po days with the occasional Mickey Mouse or styrofoam peanut cloud. Oddly enough, the NTGWB's primary food source is peanuts dropped from peanut cargo planes with rusty cargo holds. It's large malformed beak, which would be the envy of any ornith-dontist, is perfectly suited for snatching, de-shelling, and devouring earth bound peanuts. The rarity of this bird is largely due to lack of any consistent food supply. 

Few photos exist of this bird in it's natural habitat. Bird geeks(aka enthusiasts) will often resort to extreme measures to capture this creature on film. In the background, you will notice a very thin man with a propeller implanted in his head -- heading skwyard to snap a photo with his black rectangle camera with offset lens. Because the technology is new, more work is needed to improve the power output of these heli-people devices to avoid the extreme dieting necessary to experience weightlessness. 

The Neon-Tufted Green-Winged Blackbird is truly a sight to behold. If you are fortunate enough to get close, do not look this bird straight in the eye. It is rumored that its freaky-ass eyes have a hypnotic effect and can actually cause you to draw very strange pictures in Microsoft Paint and write stories about them.

 This bird is protected by the National Wildlife Foundation and the Nuclear Energy Commission. 

It is illegal and downright dangerous to keep any animal that cause you to become sterile 

and grow extra appendages. 

Sometimes some creativity and a sense of humor is all you need in life... 

Break.

Due to lack of things to say and lack of clarity of thought. 

Sometimes you just have to laugh it off

Talking to a friend: 

Feels like a similar thing happened... Just a little compassion please. 

Since I'm on the subject of tasteless comics heres a few more in no particular order: 

                                           1.

                                           2.

                                           3.

4.                                                                                  

                                         5.

                                       6.

When nothing comes to mind

Somedays a list is actually not so easy to put together. We all have our off days right (or weeks in my case).  So this time I will just post a blog of random things - a vent.

1. I'm so tired it feel like I'm looking at everything through a piece of fabric (everything is fuzzy)

2. I saw my ex boyfriend on my way home

 - brought back old memories and feelings 

3. I may be really depressed but what's even more depressing, so are the people around me that I care about

4. The only hope I can find right now is the word thats tattooed on me

5. I can't communicate how I feel or what's going on in a way that helps

6. Fighting accomplishes nothing, it's never a solution. (cheesy)

7. Cheesy makes me think of food and I have not felt the need to eat in days 

8. I hate me. 

And I promised myself I would post up 3 positives so here they are:

1. I love my supportive friends (I can't thank them enough for putting up with me no matter how ungrateful I seem).

2. The show opens Thursday and I will finally be able to breathe 

3. I came up with 2 other positive things

My tattoo the first day I got it: 

Image "List"

Todays Feelings:

A hug would be nice

It's looking rainy outside

Cancer Hamster is going to need a hamster sized coffin soon

I'm unraveling inside

I really can't...

I wish I was this bunny. 

A list of why

Sometimes you can try to explain something 101 ways but in the end it still will not register. People ask but do not listen (especially when it means a lot). Why explain...

-Why Explain

-Why Desire 

-Why seek Approval

-Why Search for understanding

-Why Love 

-Why Bother

-Why Try

-Why Breath

-Why Live

-Why EXIST.

WHY?

Coke - We all know its bad but...

(Quoted from a site)

Have you ever wondered why Coke comes with a smile? It’s because it gets you high. They took the cocaine out almost a hundred years ago. You know why? It was redundant.

• In The First 10 minutes: 10 teaspoons of sugar hit your system. (100% of your recommended daily intake.) You don’t immediately vomit from the overwhelming sweetness because phosphoric acid cuts the flavor allowing you to keep it down.
• 20 minutes: Your blood sugar spikes, causing an insulin burst. Your liver responds to this by turning any sugar it can get its hands on into fat. (There’s plenty of that at this particular moment)
• 40 minutes: Caffeine absorption is complete. Your pupils dilate, your blood pressure rises, as a response your livers dumps more sugar into your bloodstream. The adenosine receptors in your brain are now blocked preventing drowsiness.
• 45 minutes: Your body ups your dopamine production stimulating the pleasure centers of your brain. This is physically the same way heroin works, by the way.
• >60 minutes: The phosphoric acid binds calcium, magnesium and zinc in your lower intestine, providing a further boost in metabolism. This is compounded by high doses of sugar and artificial sweeteners also increasing the urinary excretion of calcium.
• >60 Minutes: The caffeine’s diuretic properties come into play. (It makes you have to pee.) It is now assured that you’ll evacuate the bonded calcium, magnesium and zinc that was headed to your bones as well as sodium, electrolyte and water.
• >60 minutes: As the rave inside of you dies down you’ll start to have a sugar crash. You may become irritable and/or sluggish. You’ve also now, literally, pissed away all the water that was in the Coke. But not before infusing it with valuable nutrients your body could have used for things like even having the ability to hydrate your system or build strong bones and teeth.

This will all be followed by a caffeine crash in the next few hours. (As little as two if you’re a smoker.) But, hey, have another Coke, it’ll make you feel better.

*FYI: Coke itself is not the enemy, here. It’s the dynamic combo of massive sugar doses combined with caffeine and phosphoric acid. Things which are found in almost all soda.

Nothing.

A list of nothing.

1. Nothing
2. NOthing
3. NOThing
4. NOTHing
5. NOTHIng
6. NOTHINg
7. NOTHING

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing

Nothing

Nothing 

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing

Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing

It looses meaning after a while, and becomes... nothing.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Random

The Good:

1. Friends that make me laugh
2. Love
3. Work - Might not pay much these days but I love it no matter what

The Bad:

1. Depression
2. Being very tired 
3. Being overwhelmed
4. Lack of clarity of thoughts
5. The desire of being alone - which is right now impossible. 

The Ugly

1. Having mixed feelings about someone - to be in a relationship or not?
2. Lots of unvented emotions
3. Anger
4. The lack of sun outside today

Famous List

I have yet to find a list that is famous. It's a lot harder then it seems or maybe I'm just over-thinking it. 

Definition of a list: 

a series of names or other items written or printed together in a meaningful grouping or sequence so as to constitute a record: a list of members. I asked a friend to help me think of a famous list and the answer I got was: "I wonder if any famous people made lists... like President Lincoln... 1.Get tickets for the theatre... 2. Wash tall hat 3. Trim beard" 4. Photoshoot for Penny gig" That is my favorite made up list yet!

Growing Up - Everything will be ok

Random thoughts about knowing your growing up:

1. Change is welcome
2. You know that sometimes parting with things is for the better no matter how hard it seems even if it means crying a bit to move on
3. You start looking at a different type of underwear to wear (Just Kidding! I'm not at that age quite yet)
   
4. Working all the time seems to be the norm suddenly
   
5. Your priorities may still be the same but they suddenly are expanded into mini points and are well developed 
   
6. A place of your own is a MUST and not just a WANT
   
7. There no longer is time to just randomly hang out at the mall while not buying stuff
   
8. There is actually money to buy stuff at the mall with! (umm well lets not glorify that - sometimes there is money)
   
9. There is a huge desire for things to have lots of meaning
10. Being nervous about something is a positive thing and is actually something that can be used to your advantage

SJ

Temporary break

More to come in the next weeks. 

The Truth About Birthdays

The Truth about birthdays:

1. They are never as fantastic as portrayed, you never spend them amazingly happy - instead its a day spent reflecting.
2. Most of the day is spent being fake happy just because well "it's your birthday"
3. No matter how much you plan your birthday things never happen the way you want them to,  so it's just easier not to plan it at all and do everything spontaneously (realistic expectations)
4. Your own birthday cake is never really as delicious as other peoples
5. Trying to skip your birthday and not telling people never really works out

In the end though - Birthdays always turn out to be somewhat ok just because it's your "special" day.

So - Happy Birthday to Me! 

A note on this years birthday: I spent it will my closest friends, in the best way possible. It was unplanned, it just happened, and my birthday celebrations went on for a few days. It was the best birthday yet even though it was really nothing extravagant or over the top. A great start to a year of my life I have been dreading.  

Hopes, Dreams & Cherry Stems

Ever since I lost that list I have been thinking about some stuff I want to accomplish in the next years.

Things I want to accomplish - 5 year goals:

[] Get my own place - soon hopefully

[x] Do work I am passionate about and proud of

[x] Learn at least 3 new things a day (so far so good)

[] Travel to at least 5 other countries, and see some of Canada ( I live here how is it possible I have seen so little of it!?)

[] Learn to remain in touch with my emotional needs and physical as well - 4 hours of sleep a night and 1 meal a day does not cut it!

[] Skydive

[] Read as many of the well known Classic books as possible

[] Remain open minded about things

[] Write a play - just a single play, not sure what about but something

[] Finish the documentary film - that seems to be a lifelong project right now

[x] Tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue - I have a tongue ring too which makes it a bit harder to do then without one.

[] Make a difference in someone's life

[] Live and love

A simple and very cliche but sometimes one can not ask for more

Things I am thankful for

Simple short list of things I am thankful for 

• People that make me smile and happy
• A job (well many little jobs) that I really enjoy
• The ability to Hope
• Health
• Having a choice
• LOVE

More to come... 

A lost childhood list...

I had a great moment of reflection this morning as I was on the TTC traveling to visit the oral surgeon. Everything seemed so much clearer then usual. I always think about what i have done so far and what i want to do but never like this (calls for another list that I wrote out on paper but will wait a few days to post).

In that moment I recalled a list I made a few years back in highschool. At one point I pulled it out, crumbled it and tossed it into a binder and said I would never look at ever again.

When I got back in today, I decided to set out on a mission to find it. I'm writing this as I'm looking.

I found another interesting piece of paper instead:

Journal # 2 - Your Hopes and Dreams 2003- 09 -14

1. Go to University for Psychology

- Status: Nope and it's not happening

2. Travel the world

- Status: Nope, one day though

3. Snowboard in the best snowboarding spots -

-Status: Nope and I dont snowboard as much as I use to

4. Get a Tattoo

- Status: Accomplished

5. Make a positive impact on someone's life, help others, and make change happens

- Status: A lifelong goal but I would like to think in some way I have done that.

6. Find enlightenment, solve the worlds problems (world hunger, war etc.), figure out the meaning of life

- Status: Just a dream

After a thorough 1 hour long search I am sad to say... I must have tossed it when I was cleaning. It means I will have to make a new list of 50 things I want to do in my life and post it up somewhere so it will never be lost.

To end on a good note - I found some funny quotes:

"life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans - John Lennon"

"It's better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool then to open it and remove all doubt" - Mark Twain

Sj

Life Lesson

A simple life lesson - getting your wisdom teeth out is NOT fun.

Lessons from this experience:

1. Getting a general anesthetic is not as scary as it seems

2. Stitches rip out really easily so don't talk too much

3. The 1st day you're too out of it to care about the pain, the 2nd day the pain killers help, the 3rd day it hurts and you need the pain killers. The 4th day you think you're ok but when the pain hits you want to rip yourself apart. 5th day you may as well be dead.

4. It really hurts to cough, but it hurts more to cry especially if you're crying in pain - you cry because it hurts but it hurts even more, so you keep crying etc etc.

5. It's kinda easy to not smoke after you have your wisdoms removed because your focusing too much on the discomfort

6. Being in pain is not so bad when you spend time with people that care about you (thank you to those special people that made time to see me)

7. Being in pain makes you a lot nicer and more emotional - it's actually easier to do then I thought and I'm going to try it more.

8. Being in the wrong place while being in pain really really sucks

9. My parents are sadistic. Seeing my crying in pain does not apparently mean I'm in enough pain to get any kind of painkillers. Gotta suck it up! 

10. I've realized I really want to move the heck out! 

Lessons about pain killers:

1. Tylenol 3 has caffeine in it. It makes me very jittery and unable to sleep

2. I become incredibly honest and share things I normally would not share

3. They are called wisdom teeth because you loose all your wisdom after they are removed from frying your brain with painkillers

4. If you tell someone your on painkillers and act really silly they will tell you things that maybe they wouldn't tell you otherwise  because they don't think you will remember - but you actually do

Conclusion:

All in all a terrible experience, which some have told me was really easy for them - not so great for me aside from the fact that I learned a bit about me. 

A Small List to Start Off

A Start of something new - but what? 

I have never been good at writing beautiful stories about life, composing songs, poetry, making up anecdotes or creating a story through an image, so for the nearing of my 20th birthday I'm going to try something new. 

Instead what I do have the ability to write lists; whether it a simple to do list, a grocery list, a list of ambitions, or list of why a friend needs to stick around on this earth for one more day, - I've tried it all. So, every week I'm going to try to post a list of something, even if its a random to do list from the week- I will also try to post up a famous list every so often.

I'm going to start with a list I have seen floating around:

List of things people do not know about me:

1.  I wish I could dance - not just dance like in a club but dance and feel free inside. Or maybe those two are the same thing? 

2.  I sleep with a stuffed animal and always have, when I got older I would take it to sleep overs and leave it in my knapsack and felt comfort in knowing it was there.

3. I'm scared of heights but always lie about it and go on the highest and biggest rollercoasters - just to prove I'm fearless to others. 

4.  I wish I was more graceful and try to cover it up by looking cool. My own two feet are my worse enemy. Example: I recently fell off the edge of a stage and someone said "gee you made that look really smooth and cool" - where as I actually nearly twisted an ankle.

5.  I love to sing along with songs really loudly even though my voice is terrible (this isn't so much of an unknown thing for all the poor people that are friends with me)

6. The only time I have ever cried infront of another person is when I was having a really lousy day and stepped in some dog Poo.

7.  I don't bother looking at people when I am talking to them, so each time I look at a persons face it looks different to me. I notice new things about it or sometimes the person looks like a whole new person to me.

8. I try really hard to be funny but it never seems to work (forced humor never does).

9. I really really like pink. Not that washed out pink but Bright Neon 80's bristol board pink.

10.  If I am walking I feel the need to be smoking even though its apparently not elegant for a woman to do so - I do it anyway. 

11. Most days I have no idea what I am doing even though I have an intricate plan for almost everything.